I will not judge others parenting styles, I will not judge others parenting styles....

I will not harshly judge other people’s parenting styles!

The other day I was at a family gathering when someone said something that shocked me. A parent of two of the other children informed their mom upon first meeting my little girl that she was “not very nice to them because she stuck her tongue out at them” And was “A brat”. At that point I must have had a look of shock on my face, because I was floored by what this parent was saying to me! My daughter is 4 years younger than these little girls, and had been in our home a grand total of 3 weeks when we took her to her first family function. Considering all she had to overcome, and that suddenly after 4 years of being a foster kid she had a real forever family sticking her tongue out at someone is the least of my worries. I nearly told her “Yes, introducing an adopted child into the family would be a great time to teach your children about understanding, grace and love.” But this parent is the type of parent who can’t really see past her own parenting style. So I bit my tongue and instead let her know that I’m very proud of little girl and that she is doing the best she can, and covered my offense.

But it got me thinking, am I the kind of parent who can’t see past their own parenting style? To consider other children’s individual needs and what they have to overcome? Do I give little girl’s friends grace? Do I teach her to have tolerance towards the children she comes in contact with? I think about the little friends she has, some of them really high energy, some of them momma’s boys and girls, some of them with sensory disorders, or little diva complexes and a lot of wonderful special little people! None of the parents of the children in our social circle are doing a bad job at parenting. They are all doing the best they can. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t tell each other what we are doing with our children or what is working for us or more importantly what didn’t work, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work for them. I can bribe my daughter into cleaning her bedroom by playing Funky Town by Lipps Inc, I realize that will not work for most people….okay I don’t know if that works for anyone else!

I think the most important thing about parenting is trying! If a person is really trying then their child will reflect this. I find the harder I try with little girl, the harder she tries and we me and we both have a better life. Trying also requires me to set up structure and give her safe boundaries to operate in so she knows what is expected of it. I just hope that we as parents can be a little softer with each other, easier on each other. None of us are perfect parents, and all of us are learning, so when a parent either hasn’t learned how to work on something you’ve got down, or what you did didn’t work with their child cut them some slack, smile and be happy that you child doesn’t do the same thing. Hopefully they will do them same thing when your child is driving them crazy!  

Mother's day- if you wait until you are ready

With Mother’s day being last weekend I thought I would share a little blog about my own journey to motherhood.

We had always had plans of adopting a child… when I was older! 30 seemed to be the magical age when adoption seemed to be within our future. Not only because 30 is the legal age to be eligible to adopt in places like China, but also because 30 feels stable to me. At that magic age my husband and I will be married 9 years, he will be done with school, we will be out of debt besides student loans and the mortgage, and we will be in our house for 5 years, more than enough time to make any improvements we needed to make before we bring a child into the mix. 30 was the age I was going to be ready to be a parent! 30 was the age where we would have our lives in order. But it’s been said before, that if you wait until you are ready to have kids, if you wait until you can afford it to have kids, you’ll never have them.

During the summer of 2012, 3 months before my 28^th birthday we brought home our daughter. A beautiful brown eyed 4 year old full of energy, opposition, and just enough sweetness to make us still fall in love with her. She had been living in foster care at my parents from the age of 2 and had a pretty rough start to life. We had decided after much prayer and consideration that we would try to adopt her. We started before she was a freed child, meaning her biological mother was still in the picture, and went through a roller coaster ride of nearly 2 years before we were able to take her home. In this time we grew as a couple, grew as a family, and learned to rely on faith more than we ever had before. I have never been so stressed out, or cried so much in my entire life as at one point it looked like we were not going to be able to adopt her. We were very bonded to her, and she was very bonded to us. Every time she said “I want you to be my daddy.” To my husband, my heart broke a little bit more as we explained to her that we would have to just wait and see. I gained weight, gray hair, and more than anything else maturity as we went through this process.

This year, a week before Mother’s day we were able to finally legally adopt her! To change her name and let her know forever and ever she is ours. It was an unconventional way to build a family, but for my husband and I, it’s the only way that seemed right. This past year has been filled with building special amazing memories with our little girl, and going from being a couple who stayed up late, had tons of alone time and had little routine to thinking about this little girl first in every possible way. Like all parents we jumped in with both feet and even with knowing it would change our lives in every way, still had no idea how significantly it would change our lives. People become parents through a lot of different means, Birth, Surrogate, Adoption, Marriage, Death, and Fostering. All methods of becoming a parent are noble and good as long as the parent is willing to love their child, and work hard to set them on the right path to becoming decent human beings. For those people who every day make the choice to be the best parent they can be, they deserve honor regardless of the method they became parents. To them I gladly applaud you, on a Sunday, that isn’t a Holiday, but a day you continue to be a fantastic mother and lay down your life for your family.    

Reflections on freezing

We are almost done with our spending freeze. I can’t believe how fast this month has gone!

Tonight we got sandwiches for dinner because we had a pre-planned thing. We were doing a “bring your own sandwich” get together with family to talk about my brother’s upcoming wedding this summer in Minnesota. It was nice when talking about how expensive that weekend is going to be, to know how much power we really have over our own spending. There is something really empowering about not giving into every want need and desire that comes across our minds. To not allow the constant marketing to fuel inside of us a burning pit of discontentment. Every dollar we don’t spend we value even more then the dollars previously. I hope that we can become even more frugal in the future.

That brings up something that has been rolling around in my head. I’ve always been somewhat frugal.  Even from a young age I had a natural impulse to save money. While my brother and sister spent their allowances, I was naturally inclined to stock it away until I saw something I really wanted. I’ve always had the urge implanted in me to seek out sale items, and things discounted. I’ve always taken a sense of pride in finding the best deal possible. And yet while I hand over a stack of .50 cent coupons there are times that I have $5.00 lattes in my hand. I realize now that I have a false sense of being frugal. How can I value pennies while throwing away dollars?  

I’m not saying that every second of my life needs to be a fiscal tight rope walk, but maybe the times that I should splurge should be further apart than the way we have been living? What if instead of all of those lattes I saved my dollars for something really special, like a tropical vacation? Or never having to make another credit card payment? I’ve long felt my quality of life go down when I did not allow myself things like lattes, or new shoes but my quality of life should not be built around things. Instead I should seek out memories, experiences, and financial freedom! With this my life will truly be what I would like it to be.